Dating in NYC: Storm the Bars, Meet the Apps

Sisters, countrywomen, single ladies of AWNY: 2023 Hot Girl Summer is upon us. We tread well-worn ground as our foremothers have before us, yet we are faced with the ever-changing landscape of dating in the modern world. I’ll generally be referring to women dating men, but honestly, these tips work regardless of gender, so do your thing babes.

Bars

You can go analog and head out to the bars, but then you have the impenetrable ‘pack dilemma.’ They’re with their friends and you’re with yours. Men with enough confidence to go up to an entire group of women and introduce themselves have a 10% chance of being a good catch, a 15% chance of being a sociopath, and 50% chance of working in real estate. To make it easier for the non-Ted Bundy/ American Psycho, here’s my trick.

  1. Go to the bar for the next round
  2. Find someone who looks cute — avoid loners sitting at the bar; although they’ll try to catch your eye and strike up conversation, they’re likely an alcoholic
  3. Order your drinks — it’s best if there are more than two
  4. “Attempt” to pick them all up but don’t actually do it if you think you’ll spill them all
  5. Turn to your handsome counterpart and say, “I’m sorry, but would you be able to help me carry these back to my table? I think I might stack it if I try by myself!”
  6. They will likely help you and you can joke about not thinking this through etc., which will force them to say, “No, it’s totally fine” or “Happy to help.”
  7. When you arrive at the table, you say, “Turns out chivalry isn’t dead cause this-” [turn to hottie] – “What’s your name?”
  8. “[Name] helped me bring these back. I’m [Your Name], by the way.”

If you still think they’re cute, you can offer to buy them a drink as a thanks. That way, you two will be one-on-one again and you can get to know them a bit. If you hit it off enough, you can combine groups. Be wary of this route, because your friends don’t deserve to be thrown in with this rando’s friend group for the night. Or even better, say you should get back to your friends but offer your number if they’d like to chat some time. Thank them again and disappear like the wonderfully whimsical mysterious minx you are.

Where to go

Should I get all the apps? Just one? Which one? What are they like? Etc. Etc.

BUMBLE

A suffragette’s dream, a procrastinator’s nightmare.

It’s the app where the women have to start the conversation, which is unfortunate if you’re lazy or just downloading a dating app to receive effortless affirmation. If you are looking to meet someone, it’s a perfectly fine place to start. If you’re new to the city, you can even do Bumble BFF and swipe for friends. It’s not surrounded by the same buzz if you’ll pardon the pun, but worth a gander.

TINDER

Known as the hook-up app, they’re trying to rebrand for casual dating.

In the press release accompanying their new campaign, they shared:

For 56% of young daters, the term “hook up” is outdated or means something different to them than it does for older generations. “Hooking up,” however young singles define it, is simply part of the dating process, and a way to explore a connection without the pressures of labels, and is not something to be ashamed or secretive about.1

HINGE

“The dating app that’s meant to be deleted.”

The contender for Tinder, calls itself “the dating app that’s meant to be deleted,” as in it’s supposedly for those looking for long-term partners. It’s definitely not the best place for queer people which explains why Tinder is attempting to fill that gap in the market. Especially in New York City, it has become a prominent dating app of choice and with the huddled masses comes the same problems many left Tinder for. Branding aside, there is plenty of hook-up masquerading as dating behavior afoot.

It does include written prompts along with other details that give the impression of a fuller person than just a few photos and a short blurb. The built in structure of the profile provides a great opportunity to show your personality as well as gage others’.

Their marketing mascot is this deranged pillow pet whose sole role is to be forgotten by happy couples who delete the app. I kind of feel bad for him but he’s also looking at me funny.

Source:

1 A study of 4,000 18-25 year old actively dating singles in the US, UK, Australia and Canada between Jan 21, 2023 and Feb 7, 2023 conducted by OnePoll on behalf of Tinder.

What to do

Having spent the last five years on Hinge (minus one of which was a long-term relationship that started on the app), I’d consider that particular app my realm of expertise. I’ve used all the other apps I mentioned. Though these advisories are structured around building a Hinge profile and navigating the app, most of these lessons can apply to the other apps as well.

  1. Always check for location. Some people put their radius somewhere they don’t live, but trust me, you don’t want to date someone who is taking the Metro North or the LIRR to come see you.
  2. Be wary of voice memos. This one could very well be subjective, but if I had just been introduced to a stranger over text or social media, I would be deeply perturbed if someone sent me a voice memo. The one exception to this rule is if you do the ‘soundtrack to my life’ prompt’ and put in scrolling music for your profile.
  3. What photos to pick:
    • Avoid selfies.
    • There shouldn’t be any snapchat or Instagram filters either.
    • Ask your friends if they have any photos of you in their camera roll because it’s understandably hard to pick photos of yourself.
    • Your first photo should be a solo pic so there isn’t any confusion whether it’s you off the bat.
    • Things you should show in one of your photos so they know you’ve got it:
      • Candid photos are great for showing off your joie-de-vivre
      • Smiling with teeth
      • A group photo or one with a friend (3rd or 4th photo)
    • Every photo should be showing a different aspect of yourself you would like to communicate, so if you’re trying to figure out what to replace, just find anything that’s basically doing the same thing and pick the best one!
  4. What does it mean when…
    • They lead with
      • Hey – They’re uninventive & boring
      • Heyyy – They’re exceedingly promiscuous
      • Hi or Hello – they (a) think their presence is jaw dropping enough for zero effort (b) are a robot (c) kill for sport (d) all of the above
      • Hiiii – have not moved past social anxiety to the point where they wouldn’t send their food back at a restaurant even if they were allergic.
      • Helloooo – They’re a silly goose, respond in kind with x5 the amount of ‘o’s
    • “Figuring out my dating goals”
      • “I will use you as a guinea pig to figure out what I’m doing. Results will be inconclusive. I am sharing this here because my internal thoughts and struggles are other people’s responsibility.”
      • Mental Note: Figure it out and get back to me buddy.
    • “I’m looking for someone who is” [fun] [chill] or [a deep thinker]
      • This person has two braincells and is using both of them to think they’re better than other people. Spoiler alert: they’re much worse.

Mindset

Whether you’re using the apps or not, the only advice that covers it all is: it’s not that serious!

Some people may roll their eyes at the notion of dating being treated like a game, but I think in moderation this approach is healthy. Before you can start contemplating whether your souls would look like intertwined together, maybe figure out who they are first. The consolation prize is you can have fun with it! People are weird and wonderful. Sometimes they’re weird and terrible but that can be funny too. Worst case scenario, they’re boring. At that point, you may as well make up a fake identity to entertain yourself.

In summation: Nurture your sense of adventure. Be kind to your curiosity. Listen to your boundaries and respect those laid out by others. Your love is gift best given to those who are capable of taking care of it.

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